why am i always arriving here?

right now, my heart is pounding.

its the kind of pounding when you feel when you are really nervous. or when you are about to cry but you just dont have enough emotional energy left in you to produce the tears. even though you know it will feel so good to shed them.

i don't know why.

ok, i do. i am freaked out. about how things are right now, how i want them to be soon, and how i am going to cope when they don't turn out how i hope.

i miss my friends. an unspeakable amount. i miss all of them. even the ones that i dont talk to all the time.
mostly though, i miss the ones that we could literally just pile onto a couch, or in someones room and talk. and we could go on a walk and a large stick or a bike missing a bike seat would be hilarious.
i miss the freedom to be up at 2 am, and someone else happens to be awake, and we decide to go for a walk. or a drive.
i miss going out, and something random happens, and that happening is turned into an inside joke for your close group of friends.

when was the last time an inside joke happened?

i feel like i'm missing out. why does it always have to be me? why cant it ever be easy for me?

i know a lot of this sounds like whining. and it is. but my heart aches, my whole body aches. especially at night. when the things i used to do at the same time a year, two years ago, take over my mind, and all i can do is miss how happy i used to be. when even then, i wasnt happy. but i was happier than i am now.

i need this job. i'm trying not to put all my hopes in getting it, but i know i will. even if i dont show it, i know not getting this job will crush me. i love what i do. i think i'm pretty decent at it.

i wish life happened like it did on tv or in the movies.

i want someone to say to themselves "yeah, we could use a girl like her." potential employers.

or anyone really.

i cant do this much longer.