What is Mediocre?

If you make your way to dictionary.com and type the word "mediocre" into the search bar this is what you'll see:

me-di-o-cre [mee-dee-oh-ker]
-adjective
1. of only ordinary or moderate quality; neither good nor bad; barely adequate.
2. rather poor or inferior.

you might as well have seen this:

me-di-o-cre [mee-dee-oh-ker]
-adjective
1. Mallory.
2. Mallory's life.

Please don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to be like "oh boo-hoo, my life sucks!" I feel very lucky for what I have. I have the basics; food, water, shelter. I have a family who, while they definitely aren't normal and are far less than perfect, loves me. I have the best set of close friends I could imagine. I have a job, which in these times, is not always easy to come by.

There is just something missing. I'm not sad. But I'm definitely not happy.

I feel like my entire life, from the day I was born, until my 21st year, 8th month, 31st day, and 26th minute of life I have been struggling in an invisible battle with mediocrity.

I was not born into a wealthy or talented family. My parents are just normal people raised in some whats-it-called town in eastern Ohio. They don't have any considerable degrees or accalades to speak of, they are just salespeople. While some people might look down on that, if you consider where they grew up and the rest of my extended family (cough-whitetrash-cough), they are one of the more successful couples and I'm 100% proud of them. And I'm not saying I blame them. This is just how it began.

I was never particularly good at anything. Ever. And if I was, there was always someone better than me. I remember trying really hard when I was young to be really good at my studies. Teachers never took notice, and I never turned out to be super academic so I stopped trying my hardest and took the mediocre road. When I tried really hard to be a great friend to everyone, some kid always found a way to knock me down or make fun of me. So I stopped trying. Becoming popular was, and still is, just not in the cards for me. After so many times of countless ridiculing, I shut myself off to people I don't trust. Now this often comes off as bitchy or sends a signal to some people that I can be walked all over. After so many let-downs, I was never motivated to try my best in any aspect of my life again. Basically, my philosophy turned out to be "If I don't try my hardest, I won't be as dissappointed when I fail."

I recently graduated from cosmetology school. I am using my new skills to try to feed my ambition to climb out of mediocrity. There are so many things I have to do to get me out of this mediocre life I am heading towards. I want a fun life. I want my own business; my own salon. I want to be really confident as a person and a hairstylist. I want to live wherever without feeling too scared or financially bound to leave Illinois. I want to go on vacations, laugh all the time, not worry about debt everyday of the week, and buy a brand new car. I want to be able to keep in touch with friends I love, leave those who aren't good people in my life, and make new ones. I want to date. I want for once in my life to wake up looking forward to my day and being whole-heartedly confident in myself.

Mediocrity may have been winning all my life up until now. Well mediocrity, you better watch the fuck out, I'm fighting back now.